Ruben Abati: If Atiku Gives Them Money, They Will Jump Like Frogs, Give Him Presidential Ticket

“I hear say Atiku don port oh, from APC to God knows where…”

“He used to be a Customs officer. Going from one port to another should not be an issue or a problem for him. It is in the nature of Customs officials to go from one port to another.

When they train Customs officials, they train them to just disappear to nowhere when the storm is tough and rough. That is the reason why every Customs official is a prostitute… serving or retired. I know some of them.

They are always disappearing and appearing. After oil and gas, customs is the other honey pot of

Nkem Says: There is Always That One Person

There is always that one person who will always have your heart.

If you are thinking the statement sounds like something from a cheesy love song, you would be right. It actually is the first line of the awesome duet by Alicia Keys and Usher titled ‘My Boo’. At the time it was released in 2004, I was still a dreamy teenager …although I had already had my ‘first love’ experience and nursed a heartbreak or two already as well. In fact, I remember buying the then

Nkem Says: The Thing About 'Ghosting'

I have always been deathly afraid of ghosts. I don’t know why.

As a child, the easiest way to terrify or creep me out was to suggest that a ghost was lurking around. I would literally become your slave in exchange for protection. One of my sisters really took advantage of this fear that I had. She would just simply say “Ojuju will catch you” and I’d become paralyzed or freeze in whatever position I was in, then she would get me to do whatever she wanted or stay away from a part of the house she didn’t want me going. I don’t remember how we came up with the word “Ojuju” and why I understood it to mean “a ghost”, but it worked for a long time.

This background perception and fear of ghosts was probably what kicked in the first time I came across the word “ghosting”. Someone had mentioned it in a conversation and the first thing I imagined was it involving some form of witchcraft or diabolism. Perhaps one partner would use the other for rituals or steal their destiny. Yes. I know. I blame it on too much ‘Nollywood’ growing up. Oh yes, and my mother too. She has such morbid stories.

Fortunately, I later found out from the Urban Dictionary that “ghosting” simply was “the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer

Nkem Says: The Unique Perks Of Dating an Older Woman

I knew I was studying the right course in the university when our lecturer at the time, Dr. Ekeanyanwu Nnamdi(probably the best teacher I’ll ever have) mentioned that a journalist had to have a “nose for news” and “an eye for detail”. I certainly have all of that, including an ear for the most silent whispers. I notice and hear EVERYTHING. Matter of fact, I once narrated an event to my mother – an event that happened when I was just about a year old- with so much detail that she was shocked and was like: “How could you possibly know this? You were a baby” and I was like: “Yeah, it is what it is”

One of the places I like to visit and observe the people as well as surroundings is the grocery store. It’s amazing the kind of people you see and the conversations you overhear. To be honest, I didn’t imagine I would find anything interesting last Sunday when I traveled

Simi Releases Self Titled Debut Album “Simisola”

Few moments ago, one of Nigeria's songbirds, Simi, released her debut album “Simisola”.

Simi's 12-track album consists of 3 bonus tracks, and it features only one artist – Adekunle Gold (why

Nkem Says: Every Rich Man Is Handsome (Or Not?)

Before you join me in psycho-analyzing the issue of a man’s “beauty” being subject to the weight of his pocket, let’s get one thing straight: Money is sexy as hell. Yes, I said so. A while ago, if someone made the same statement and I heard it, I would look at them with disdain, while thinking to myself: “what a shallow somebody” …and naturally, I would roll my eyes… very heavily too.

But, yeah…I see the light now.

Believe it or not, having money is a game changer for anyone: man or woman. But I guess for men,

Reuben Abati: JAMB And The Politics Of Cut-Off Marks

I have followed with keen interest the controversy over the announcement of cut-off marks for Nigeria’s admission processes for the 2017/2018 session, with many commentators and the general public insisting that it is unwise, insensitive and retrogressive, to reduce the cut off mark for admissions into our tertiary institutions: 120 for universities, 100 for polytechnics and monotechnics, and a tentative 110 for Innovative Enterprise Institutions (IEIs).

Whereas the complaint has been that there is a dumbing down and lowering of standards, which is of course an obvious reaction, I argue that there is need for a better understanding of the context in

Charly Boy: Dear President, You Need To Pay Immediate Attention To These 3 Key Issues

Dear Mr President, sir

When I learned that you would be returning, I was glad because it means you eventually listened to our cries and yearnings. You have returned at a time when our country needs you most to surmount the crucibles battering us as a people and a nation. Though for a very steep price, we never allowed our voices to go unheard and we are glad you ultimately listened to us.

You have returned at a time when our great country is battling a slew of disastrous storms. This is a

Reuben Abati: Presidential Broadcast And Other Stories

“Baba don come oh. Baba o yo yo, Baba Bubu o yo yo”

“What is that?”

“Eh, o yo yo”

“If you are this excited about President Buhari’s return, then why didn’t you go to Abuja to welcome him when he arrived from England on Saturday.”

“I didn’t have to”

“After 104 days on medical vacation in London. You should have been there to show your loyalty, and your commitment to change.”

“There were other people there. They serenaded Baba all the way from the airport to the Villa. That is how you know a popular leader.”

“Don’t get over-excited, my friend. Those people were paid N2, 000 each. They shared money the

Reuben Abati: We Now Know That Buhari Can Talk

I was really excited on Saturday when I received news of the eventual visit of President Muhammadu Buhari’s media team to him in London. I had always felt that the exclusion of the media team from the London medical vacation and the various visits practically undermined the Presidential media office, and created the space for the mismanagement of the communication process around and about the President’s illness.

I could never have imagined my own boss in our time, travelling without me or shutting me out of

Lunch in London, Anxiety in Nigeria - By Reuben Abati

“What’s gwan inna wa cwantry?”

“What language is that?”

“English of course.”

“Sounds like Creole to me. Why don’t you just talk straight?”

“Nobody talks straight in this country anymore.”

“I still talk straight. I can’t start twisting my tongue because some people have lost it.”

“Okay, I was asking what is going on in our country?”

“Is that a direct question or a sly comment?”

“Just answer the question”

“What I know is that we are now truly, a country of hyenas, jackals and small animals. A big animal kingdom, but when the First Lady Aisha Buhari drew attention to this, recently, we all started

Reuben Abati: Chi Onwurah MP- ‘British, not Nigerian’

Chi Onwurah, the Member of Parliament representing Newcastle Central in the UK House of Commons and my former colleague at the State House, Molara Wood, met recently at the 2017 Caine Prize for African Writing award ceremony. When Molara informed Chi that her re-election along with six others had caused so much excitement in Nigeria and even produced official letters of congratulation from both the Federal Government and Abike Dabiri, the Senior Special Assistant to

Two years of change - By Reuben Abati

“How is it going my brother? ”
“We just dey look. Two years and we thank God.”
“How was your May 29?”
“There was no celebration. We just siddon dey look.”
“But the Acting President, Yemi Osinbajo addressed the nation.”
“I know. I know. But there was no programme in place for celebrating two years of the Buhari government. In the past, we used to have a week-long programme, with military parades, prayers here and there and then a national broadcast to remind the people of how democratic rule has been so fruitful and kind.”
“There was a national broadcast”
“I saw that. The Acting President spoke about optimism, building confidence, and reassuring the

Buhari And His Marabouts - By Reuben Abati

“Have you read Lauretta Onochie’s latest post?”

“Lauretta. Lauretta. Who is she?”

“She is a social media assistant at the Presidency. She shoots straight and direct. She defends President Muhammadu Buhari with the passion of someone the President treats like a daughter.”

“Not a son, this time, a daughter! Interesting. Of power, fathers, wives, sons and daughters….”
“She spits fire, particularly if the person involved is in any way related to either the People’s Democratic Party or former President Goodluck Jonathan.”

“I see…”
“I try to pay attention to the many battles of the spin community in Nigerian politics.”

“Well, I have tried to tune off for a while. Now that the social media is dominated by all kinds of ghosts and malcontents, I just don’t always take everything that I read there seriously. I should pay

Nigeria’s Angry Children of Suicide - By Reuben Abati

I once wrote about Nigeria’s “children of anger”, but the country seems to have progressed from anger to clinical depression, resulting in a rise not merely in social aggressiveness, but a determination by certain individuals to escape from it all. The percentage of Nigerians seeking escape through suicide nonetheless remains small relative to the size of the population, but the sharp increase in the number and frequency of reported suicides in the last two years alone speaks to a certain dysfunctionality requiring closer inquiry.

Suicide is an act of self-destruction, an escape from the self, an act of self-defeat. Whether the suicide is anomic or fatalistic, due to loss of job, broken relationships, dis-inhibition, economic deprivation, environmental factors, disability or psychosis, it usually arises from an awareness of the inadequacy

Reuben Abati: From London to Abuja in 50 Days – Buhari’s Return

The cities of Daura –President Muhammadu Buhari’s home town, Kano – his political base, and Kaduna -where he has a home, and where the aircraft that brought him from London landed early Friday, March 10, as well as other parts of the North saw the people trooping out to jubilate and thank God for his safe return. I noticed that there was no such jubilation in the entire South West, the East, the Middle Belt and the South South. This is understandable.

Too many cynics and mischief-makers in these other parts of the country had expected the worst and they had been busy promoting the Acting President Yemi Osinbajo as a better man in

I Want To Go To London To See Buhari - By Reuben Abati

When 15 million plus Nigerians voted for President Muhammadu Buhari in the 2015 General elections, their expectation was that he would be available to serve them 24/7/365, and that those who fielded him as their candidate had done their home work to avoid what is curiously becoming the Katsina problem in Nigerian politics. Katsina! But we have now found ourselves in a situation whereby our President is now in London, for more than one month sir, ma, and we are here, and we have an acting President, who according to everybody, including the extremists and the mischievous, and the politically partisan, is beginning to try his best, with his admirers, now praying for the worst.

For that reason alone, we have an emotionally, politically and spiritually divided country on our hands. Don’t mind what they tell you, and don’t deceive yourself, the Nigerian Presidency is in turmoil. It is not our wish. It is not what the voters asked for. But that is how democracy works. You cannot predict the results that democracy produces. Not even in America. Or Russia.

Now that we have found ourselves in this situation, anyway – an absentee President trying to remain relevant and an acting President struggling to put up appearances, and struggling harder not to be seen to be ambitious (sorry, Prof. I was your student but I have something to say sir, I don’t mean any harm – truth be told), where should the Nigerian people stand? For the past one month, we have all been trapped in a post-truth situation, pretending as if all is normal. We should stop pretending.

Those who supported and are supporting the APC that brought President Muhammadu Buhari to power and office cannot talk. They cannot talk due to embarrassment and shame. They are busy putting up a face. But for how long can they do this? The Nigerian media is also on its knees, looking so pitiable, with the exception of a few blogs, newspapers that we can’t even trust, professional media consultants who are in disarray, a few bloggers and then some gentlemen: Pa Ikhide, Farooq Kperogi, Sonala Olumhense, Omoyele Sowore, Pius Adesanmi and Okey Ndibe who have since been specially illuminated as they journeyed to Damascus.

I will return to this subject some other day. But I think right now, we should begin to take the subject of the absence of President Muhammadu Buhari more seriously. Bukola Saraki, our Senate President has visited him in London, twice, within two weeks. I don’t think we should leave this business of

Opinion: That Andrew Yakubu By - Charly Boy

The other day, I was in the midst of those I thought were reasonable people – a small group of lawyers, engineers and realtors or real estate guys, and as usual, the topic of conversation was our dear country Nigeria. Then someone said, “Abegi President Buhari should bring back our corruption,” and to my surprise, everyone was laughing. I missed the joke, but I could swear the speaker was expressing the sentiment of the people I was with who were engulfed in a mumu laughter.

Who in Nigeria wey go say him no know say corruption na 99% of our wahala? Abeg why e be say na so so mumu mumu people full dis country? How can anybody govern a people who celebrate corruption the way we do and then cry foul when the damage is done, as though they had no idea where it came from? Kai, weytin be our problem Sef!

Walahitalai, even Jesus cannot govern a country wey still dey celebrate a president who presided over

This NLC Sef! - By Charlyboy

On February 8, 2017 I tweeted about joining the NLC on their walk for good governance. I was really not too surprised at the kinds of responses I got from fellow frustrated Nigerians: My people just dey query me as per how somebody like me go come gum body with  NLC "Fake" people like that.


For starters, let me make this clear; If the devil like make him hold rally, I go appear to use that platform to send my message to my fellow frustrated Naijas. Until I posted a tweet about marching with NLC in Lagos, I didn't realize how most Nigerians had lost respect/trust for the union.

In fact one of the feedbacks I received blaming the compromised NLC for the death of a
family member really evoked some strange feelings in me.
The Late Dr. Oghenetega Umukoro battled diabetes for 20 years. His condition, however, became particularly difficult in 2014 because he was an employee of a state in this country owing workers 6 months Salary. He had been solely dependent on various degrees of loans to not just manage the sickness but also manage his family -A Beautiful family of three boys and a girl.

He lost his wife Elizabeth in 2011 due to childbirth complications. His miserable life of Sickness; Struggling to pay Tuition fees for his children's education, poor feeding and debilitating cost of

I Stand with Nigeria Protest: #OurMumuDonDo - By Charly Boy

OurMumuDonDo: in the Face of Hopelessness I saw Hope with the #IstandWithNigeria Project; in the Midst of Excruciating Hunger I saw Defiance in the faces of our youths; In a Nation of Virtual Social Media Mouthing Youths I saw Foot Soldiers who are capable of Moving this Nation forward if the dream of nationalism is nurtured in the minds of all. Bad Governance is a failure of the governed just as much as it is a failure of Political Leadership.

I am a realist and I understand the challenges this country is facing from decades of wasteful wickedness; indifferent Leadership; Mindless Looting and Audacious Criminality. And so, I understand the Challenges of the current President Muhammadu Buhari Administration; I know there are no Short term Solutions; I am aware that no Matter how smooth the processes of realigning Nigeria will be, we all will have to bite the Bullet as our wounds are being treated.

Change we know is hard in the Beginning; Messy in the Middle and Glorious in the end if there is a